Well here goes, and apologies, thanks to Shane@lvtalk for reminding me. I'd only put the report on the wrong site. The report is split into two parts, I'll post PART 2 at the end of the week.
I've also made the report into a story of the main events with which I hope you enjoy, and things that were said at the time. I could write about the boring stuff like we did this and we gambled like this but it's boring for you guys to read.
It's a long report/diary.
WARNING - a lot of swearing, and I mean a lot of swearing.
I'm still trying to get over it, and it's been a while back now...
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away,
Picture the scene, two lads, one a heroic adventurer, short, dark, and I'd say very handsome. (That's me.) Age 29, turning 30 on this trip, status : single for 5 weeks.
The other, a tall, dark, fat ? overweight, trimmed goatee-beard, and if I don't say it he'll kill me ? handsome, WWF lookalike wrestler. Age 30. Status : single.
Day 1 Part 1 - 'Beep!'
I remember waking up, were the fuck was I???
And were the fuck is Ed???
I was lying flat out across three chairs, with my feet up on the last chair.
Who the hell are all these people? And why were they looking at me? And why have I got such a bastard headache?
The long awaited day had arrived, I was in the lounge of Manchester Airport and the time was 4 in the morning. Very busy and very tired, and I was feeling very very very very ill.
I hadn't been to bed the night before because I was too excited.
Things started to come back into my memory. The last thing I remember was sitting in Ed's living room, at his house, holding a bottle of tequila.
I sat there on the comfy seat in the airport lounge, my head banging. People still passing by, all staring at me. I must have looked awful; my hair looking like a bird's nest on top of my head.
Why are they staring at me? Ok, ok, yep I know, yes I'm suffering from a hangover now Fuck off!
'Hey SICK BOY!!!!, get that down ya!'
It was Ed, walking towards me, holding two bacon barmcakes, dripping with hot butter.
'How the fuck have I got here'?
Ed, who wasn't drunk, 'Fuck knows', with a wry smile.
'Why does everyone keep looking at me'?
Ed, 'Fuck knows,' again with a wry smile. 'It must be your stunning good looks.'
I felt like people were still looking at me, must be the comedown from the drink last night.
We decided it was time to go through passport control, and get our hand luggage checked.
There was a little queue at the checkpoint control. I placed my small rucksack on the conveyer-belt, put my metal (coins and keys) into a small dish and walked under the metal-archway thing. I again noticed people looking and laughing at me. Fuck off! I waited for my rucksack to come through the scanner. It suddenly appeared and the officer on the otherside of the conveyer belt, I was now standing at, said:
'Excuse me Sir! Is this your bag'? laughing.
I heard a BEEP!, the metal archway I had just walked under was making noises.
'What do you think? Why do you think I've tried to pick it up'?
His hands started to feel the pockets of the rucksack, god knows what he was looking for.
He then proceeded to ask me if anybody had tampered with the bag, I said NO.
What the fuck is going on behind me? BEEP!
Ed was walking into and out of the metal archway. Everytime he walked under the fucking thing, BEEP!
He digged into his pockets, pulled something metal out, under he walked, BEEP!. People behind him were getting impatient.
This woman around 35, pulled him aside after the 8th time, and scanned him with this black metal bar thing. Nothing, until she got to his crotch. BEEP!, BEEEEEPPPPP!!!!!!
She moved the metal bar away from the crotch nothing, move to crotch BEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!, BEEP!, BEEERRRREEEPPPPP!!!!
His balls area was causing the problems, BEEP!!!!!
He looked straight at me and winked;
His belt was causing the problems, and he knew it was.
I remember laughing; the dirty bastard had planned it. Anything for a bit of attention from a woman.
I turned back to face the officer whom was looking into my bag, still with a smirk on his face.
'So sir! No one has tampered with your bag.'
'For the 3rd time, no one has tampered with the bloody bag.' I said, remembering getting annoyed.
He pulled the zip at the top of the rucksack and moved it along until the top of the rucksack was open.
He took out all my stuff, documents, money, book to read on the plane, tickets, etc, and placed them to the right hand side of the rucksack. He then lifted the rucksack and turned it upside down.
Condoms, condoms, condoms, fell all over the place. Pink ones, blue ones, small ones, big ones, ribbed ones, feather ones, edible ones.
I turned to look for Ed, I'm going to fuckin kill him, were the fuck is that fat bastard.
The fucker had placed all these condoms in my rucksack sometime when I was asleep.
The ground didn't swallow me up, I looked at the rest of the people in line. They were all looking at me with their mouths wide open, their jaws had hit the ground.
In the distance I heard Ed's laugh.
After about 15mins scampering around the floor, table, conveyor belt, I placed everything back in my rucksack and I walked away from the table a wounded man.
I then proceeded to passport control, Ed had already gone through and was waiting beyond the passport desk, ensuring that I could see him ahead.
As I approached the desk, you could see the two passport control officers (both women) laughing.
I walked up and gave them my passport with which I had taken from my condom filled rucksack.
They took it from my hand and looked at my photo.
'Excuse me sir! You do realise that you don't really resemble the photograph within you passport'? said one of the ladies.
I looked at her straight in the face and said 'EH'??
She looked at me still laughing. She raised her hand that wasn't holding my passport, and moved it gently towards my head.
Fuckin hell I've pulled I remember thinking. What the fuck is she doing?
Her hand came back from my head, and there, there in her hand was this thing, this thing.
I heard Ed's laughter again in the background.
In her hand was this bright pink rounded plastic band, about 15 inches long, in the middle of the band were two long springs pointing upwards, attached to the top of the springs were these big foam silver stars.
The fucker, I had had these fucking things on my head, and never felt a thing. I started to think on my whereabouts since I left Ed's house. When had he put them on my head? I'd been to a gas station, the airport loo, through customs, through passport control and I had had these on my head.
The fucking twat, that explains everything.
I gave a wry smile to the ladies, took my passport, and started to get extremely warm as the embarrassment was starting to turn my face into a fuckin tomato, I walked away.
I decided then that this truly was a holiday I wasn't going to forget in a hurry.
Day 1 Part 2 - 'Potato Crisps.'
This plane is a shit hole.
Why the fuck do we go with Airtours?
A fuckin paper dart could go faster than this.
I woke up; Ed's continuous munching on potato chips to the close proximity of my right ear was pissing me off.
I quickly brushed my head with my hand making sure he'd not put those springy things on while I was asleep.
I looked to my left and lifted my window shutter open. Why do they make these windows so small, you can't see anything. To be honest I couldn't see anything anyway apart from a wing, and an engine and the brightness of the sky.
I started watching some film on the tv in front of me but just couldn't be bothered, again why is the screen so small.
Ed was a constant fidget, the more he fidgeted the more I became uneasy.
I wasn't feeling to well either, tequila doesn't mix with an 11hr flight.
Munch, munch, crunch, crunch, Ed just kept eating.
Crunch, crunch. My mind started to get uneasy, will you shut the fuck up.
'For fuck sake will you shut the fuck up, you noisy bastard.' I shouted at him.
Ed just looked at me.
I stood up in a mood, BANG!!!!.
My head smacked the low roof that contains the on board baggage, I fell back in my seat, clutching my head.
The pain rushed down my spine.
'My fuckin head...'.
I didn't know if to laugh or cry.
I looked at Ed, whom was laughing so much I thought he was crying.
I hit it with such a force that the people in the seats in front of me turned around.
I could hear the people in the seats behind, laugh.
My hands were on the top of my head clutching the pain, and I curled myself into a ball on my seat.
The overhead light had come on for stewardess attention and the air-conditioning stopped from above.
I then heard this elderly man in the centre aisle, three rows in front complain to a stewardess that the air conditioning wasn't working.
Then somebody behind me complained.
I'd hit the fuckin thing that hard that the air-conditioning on the entire plane had stopped.
Needless to say Ed found this hilarious and continued to point out that if I needed to make a complete tit of myself he'd had given me those springy stars back.
For the next 8hrs, the plane got hot, damn hot. The hotter it got, the worse everybody was feeling.
It was such a relief to get off the plane once it had landed. We strolled off the plane, everybody suffering from heat exhaustion and everybody pointing at me, and mumbles were heard from different passengers, 'Yes, luv, that's the idiot who broke the conditioning...' 'I feel terrible, I feel like I'm going to faint.....' 'I'd shoot the git! if I had a gun...'
I decided then that I'd better try and get through customs quicker than everybody else.
Day 1 Part 3 -Imperial Bab's?
We arrived in our room. Knackered. We were staying at the Imperial Palace (from now, known as the Imperial Shithouse) for 2 weeks, and there was just me and Ed. The girlfriend I was taking was no longer my girlfriend. And Ed, well Ed was glad.
I'm having the bed near the window I informed Ed. 'Why's that, so you can jump out when you've lost all your gamblin' money'? Ed said. 'No matey,' as I pulled the curtain back, 'so I'm closer to the fuckin balcony.' 'We've got a balcony, fuck me!' said Ed as if it was the eighth wonder of the world.
I threw my clothes into the wardrobe, and drawers. Pulled out 300 dollars from my pocket and said with relish, 'Come on Ed, we've been waiting for this for a few months, LETS GO TO WORK!'
And did we go to work, we certainly did. At the end of the night I had trebled my money and Ed was up around $450. This was done by playing $10 blackjack and hitting the roulette wheel. I just couldn't go wrong, I remember getting blackjack 4 times in a row. Ed couldn't believe it. Barbara the dealer at the Imperial was great, and would call over the drink ladies all the time for us. She was an excellent dealer and was great fun. I told her of my experiences at the airport in Manchester and she laughed that much that she had to get a different dealer at one stage because she couldn't get the cards out of the deck. She turned out to become a great friend (if you get my drift), which you'll find out later in this report.
We stayed in the Imperial all evening and had a really good time. I played a TIC TAC DISCO slot machine and won around $50, Ed kept disappearing and seemed to be coming back with more winnings. We had an excellent time. The time now was around 8pm and we were both shattered with the jetlag and the drink.
We went to bed.
DAY 2 Part 1 - 'Nice Ice'
Woke up, did the three S's (showered shaved shit). The feeling was good, and we were having the first full day in Las Vegas.
There isn't a feeling like it. We had both won around $600 from the previous nights gambling and we both knew we had 2 weeks of this.
Time for some food and we decided to go and grab a quick bite from Macs, nice healthy start to the day. Big mistake, here we go again.....
I stood in the queue at Macs, went to the counter and thought I'd treat myself as I was starving. Besides we were too late for the breakfast menu as we had decided to gamble a bit more when we went downstairs into the casino and lost so I wasn't in a particularly good mood.
We got to Macs and there was only myself and Ed in the place. Ed went first and got what he wanted, and sat down at a table behind me. I went next.
'I want a supersize Double Cheese Quarter Pounder Meal, 6 chicken nuggets, another large fries, 2 more cheeseburgers please.' And do you know what the spotty pizza face twat said behind the counter.... 'Is that all you want Sir'? Is that all I want, fucking hell matey that's enough to feed a 3rd world country. I looked at him and said, 'See my mate over there,' I pointed to Ed whom was stuffing a whole burger into his mouth, 'the only other fuckin person in this place well he's got his order, this is my order, go and get my food.' 'What drink would you like Sir'? 'Coke' 'What sauce would you like Sir'? 'Barbecue' 'We haven't got barbecue Sir.' 'Well what the fuck have you got, you got Chilli.' 'Yes.' 'Well I'll have Chilli then.' And do you know what pizzaface said then, guess. 'Sir, are you eating In or Out'? I just stared at him in amazement and said, 'What the fuck do you think'? 'In, it is then Sir, oh! and by the way you'll have to wait for your nuggets,' he smirked at me, turned around and shouted at the retard in the back, '6 chicken nuggets LeRoy.' In the background I heard, a crash, as if somebody had been woken from the depths of despair, and a mumble that sounded like 'aw for fucks sake Charlie.'
I stood at the food counter for 5minutes, my food finally arrived. I picked up my tray, and started to walk towards Ed whom lifted both arms infront of him and started to give me a round of applause.
'Fuck me Mark, I could have slaughtered the cow for them in the amount of time it's taken you to get your fuckin burgers.' I stuffed a burger into my mouth, and started to slurp my coke. The coke was warm. Pizzaface hadn't put any ice into my drink.
'Oh! For fucks sake,' I shouted. I stood up quickly, and looked at the ceiling checking for low roofs and Pizzaface looked at me from afar. He knew what was coming and he saw me striding towards him.
'The fuckin drink, where's the bloody ice'? I remembered saying in an angry voice. 'Sorry sir but the ice machine has broken.' 'For fuck's sake, what are you going to do about it, you kept that quiet didn't you, where's your supervisor'? 'Sir, I am the supervisor.' 'Well I suggest you get me the manager.' 'The manager won't be in till 2 more hours.' 'Listen matey, what are you going to do'?, Ed had now joined me. 'Er!! I, I, don't know sir's.?
Needless to say, I got my money back for the entire meal.
Day 2 Part 2 - Hawaii Roulette
We left Macs after an eventful encounter with the spotty wonder and decided to go up to The Mirage. This was the first and last time we have ever been to this place.
We walked towards the entrance, and opened the door to get into this place. Can you guess what we both did next. Yep! Have you seen that statue with the naked lady in the entranceway? My hands are a perfect size, although they (not my hands) were a bit cold.
We checked the place out but really didn't like it that much, we saw the big aquarium behind the check-in desk.
We had a quick go at $25 minimum black jack, which we both haven't done before. I think the pit bosses were quite surprised we could play at this level. We both looked like we had just come from the TV series Hawaii 5 O. We were both in bermuda shorts, with these multi-coloured shirts on, the clothes might have looked the part, but definitely not the milk white tan we both had.
We left the Mirage feeling like it was just a mirage, it seemed to be a like a fairground round enticing you to buy into the Seigfried and Roy shit.
We gambled in Harrahs, Barbary Coast, Paris. At the end of the gambling bonanza for that afternoon we both broke around even.
After going back to our room for a couple of hours we decided to hit the Imperial Shithouse casino again. Push our luck. I spoke to one of the Pit Bosses to see when Barbara was in again, and he informed me in a couple of days, I told him that if he saw her before I did I was asking about her. The guy, think his name was Brad, was a good bloke too, as I later found out that he'd passed on the message. More to follow on this story.....its worth the wait.
We gambled, roulette was the forte for tonight. I had a sort of system, I looked at the roulette wheel and picked 6 numbers which were alongside each other on the wheel. I placed a $5 chip on each of these nunbers, and I placed $30 worth of chips on even numbers. So a spin of the wheel would cost me $60 a spin but, if one of the 6 numbers came out I would win $185, but if that number was an even I would win a further $60. The total I would loose is $60 but this was a 50/50 chance.
I think I made around $400.
Not a bad start to the holiday, and it was time for sleep. There's only so much Budweiser you can drink before you start to make silly bets.
I went to bed and left Ed gambling.
DAYS 3 - 8 'Blur'
The next few days seemed to all roll into one day.
Wake up, gamble, eat, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, drink, gamble, drink, drink, drink, bed.
I remember one of the days was a complete losing streak by me. I must have lost around $1000, everything I touched turned to shit. Put $100 in an Elvis slot, fuck all. Play $100, $5 minimum's, lose the lot in 20mins. Absolutely crap, I went to bed and vowed never to wake up.
I think on Day 5, Ed had finally managed to have a shit. Since arriving in Vegas he'd not been, and he was mightily relieved when he had been. 'Don't go in there Mark, you could have sunk a battleship with that turd,' Ed informed me. Nice.
Also on Day 5 I managed to talk to Barbara again. I informed her that it was my 30th birthday in a few days time, and she said she'd like to take me for a drink. Result.
Over the forthcoming days we did the usual thing, gambled, gambled, drink, drink, until..........
Day 9 Part 1 - 'Birthday Chicken.'
'Happy 30th Ladyboy,' Ed gave me a card.
Woke up, had the 3 S.
The big three o had finally arrived, my youth disappearing forever. Fuck it I'm in Vegas, youth never disappears here, unless you walk into the Stardust casino, average age being 60.
I remembered I had a hot date tonight with Barbara, and she was going to bring a friend for Ed, looking forward to it.
Did some gambling, avoided Macs and ate at this Pizza Place within New York, New York casino.
Got lost in New York, New York casino, where's the fuckin entrance to the Yellow Cab Rollercoaster??? We could have fuckin walked to the real New York and back when we found it.
Enjoyed the heart-line roll on the coaster, kind of like throwing up in a toilet bowl.
Gambled a bit more; We the decided to walk up to the North End of the strip. We arrived just outside Circus Circus, when Ed in his ultimate wisdom said. 'Lets go and do that'?, he pointed. 'You are fuckin jokin, I'm not doing that, fuck me!' 'Come on ladyboy, birthday treat I'll pay.' 'You have got to be fuckin jokin'? 'Come on, once in a lifetime.' 'No!' 'Go on.' 'NO!' 'Come on you big wet fart' 'NOOO FUCKIN WAY!' 'Look I'm paying, do it, I'll give ya hundred bucks.' 'OK, but I'll need to get pissed before we do it.' We both headed towards Circus Circus hotel, leaving Al's Bungee Jump behind us.
Day 9 Part 2 'Let's Bounce..?
What the fuck were we doing? We had both got a few drinks down us, and plumped up the courage. We crawled over to the Bungee Jump area and I pledged there and then to Ed that I was a complete tit. He agreed.
Ed went over to the entrance, and I waited outside. After about 10minutes he came outside.
'Well matey we're sorted, your going first.' 'You bastard,' I said.
Now you must bare in mind that I'm scared of heights but I'm game for anything. A dare is a dare, and I usually push myself to the limits. You live once and you should make the most of it. Although this seemed to be a big bad idea, and I hadn't even got to the top of the fuckin thing yet.
Ed wished me luck and waited for me at the bottom. There's a viewing stand thing, near a swimming pool for him to watch. The swimming pool was in the line of fire of the jump, you plummeted from the top, and your head would lightly brush/touch the water of the pool and you would bounce up. Well that's the plan anyway.
I got to the top, a lady had just jumped and they were sorting her out first. I on the otherhand was shitting myself, I was on top of this crane thing waiting to jump to my death. Meanwhile keeping my eyes looking at my feet because I knew if I had looked at the view, that would have been it, I'd be climbing down off this thing. Bare in mind I was drunk, and it was a good job I was.
'Hiya man, what yo weigh, man'? the assistant/surfer dude said. I looked up from my feet, stared him in the eyes and said, 'Anything you want me to weigh matey, just hurry up.' 'Ok man, are you English'? 'Anything you want me to be, just hurry up.'
After a lot of deliberation and anixety it was time go. My feet were wrapped and I was chained into this rubber band thing. I finally looked away from my feet and stared at the view, fucking hell. I looked around, and saw the world from a completely different angle. And it was hot. I stared at the surfer dude, and he looked at me and said, 'Hey man, don't worry, you'll enjoy the ride.' I looked at him and didn't say anything. I was nervous.
Here I was looking straight down to mother earth, trapped. I had to jump. My feet teetering on the edge, wrapped in bondage gear. There was no way to get out of it. I looked again to the surfer dude. He didn't say anything. I looked down again at the ground below. All I could see was the extremely small pool I was heading for. What the fuck was I doing, what the fuck was I doing. The sweat started to pour from my body, my heartbeat was racing, I looked again at the surfer dude. I looked down again, when I heard.
'Go Ladyboy! Go Go Go!', Ed was shouting from below.
I give a weak wave at him, as if somebody had grabbed hold of my arm and moved it for me. I looked at the surfer dude again. 'You jump when you want to go.' I smirked at him. I looked at the ground again, I looked at him again, put my hands behind my back and said, 'Adios Amigo.'
I jumped. 'FUUUUCCCCKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN HEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
What the fuck was I doing, the ground coming nearer and nearer, WHOOOSSSHHHH. My eyes watering, my heart stopping, my arse opening up like I had had the most powerful curry in the world.
Fuck me that pool is getting near, head first. BUUUSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH! I hit the water like a fuckin albatross diving for a fish at the bottom of the sea. The air in my lungs exasperated.
BOIINNNNGGGGGGGGG Fuck me, fuck me, I'm fucking flying. I'm fucking flying skywards.
I caught a glimpse of Ed, who was shouting, clapping his hands, the beam from his smile blinding my eyes.
I turned in mid air, my stomach feeling like it was somehow in my head. I headed back down to earth, boinggg!!! Skywards, turned, ground, sky, ground.
I was upside down and stopped, dangling like a piece of snot on a young kid's nose, I was finally lowered to the ground, resting on the floor, my legs still tied together. Ed ran over, looked over me from above, shuck my hand, stared straight in my eyes and said, 'Ladyboy! I'm proud of ya, you've got balls of steel. You're a fuckin animal,' his voice then changed into a loud girlie voice, 'You're my fuckin hero!.' I looked at him from the floor and said, 'Your turn.' Do you know what the twat did, he started to laugh. 'What you laughing at Ed'? 'Becos ladyboy I ain't doing it, I paid for you and you only,' he ran. I couldn't move, my legs were still tied together and I shouted, 'YOU FUCKIN BASTARDDD! I'M GOING TO FUCKIN KILL YOU.' I didn't see him for dust. He'd ran off and gone.
TO BE CONTINUED..............................................